I broke down... finally. I guess i could not hold it in anymore.

You know what? I was hysterical. Something like this happens once a year, and it was today.

I just could not take the pressure anymore. From almost all areas of my life. It seems like all the lifewires are about to snap whipping everything into smithereens as they recoil.

Where to from hitherto?

Felicia says:
i want a very romantic song

Felicia says:
u know what

Felicia says:
i just realise that the only guy that i will ever really really love is Alex (before when we were together) but not now

Felicia says:
so sad

gamble™ says:
something like losing the virginity of love huh?

Felicia says:
yeah

Felicia says:
seriously

gamble™ says:
i know what you mean

Felicia says:
like i lost the passion to do sth really really special for my partner

Felicia says:
who's the person u really loved?

gamble™ says:
i dunno...

gamble™ says:
but i know i could love more

gamble™ says:
that i have not reached my full potential to love someone yet.

Detox

The past week was spent abusing my body. I battered myself with 4-5 hours sleep every night, rushing from place to place, denying my body of food for the whole day only to come crashing down with fast food and rubbish. I worked myself to exhaustion and today is Monday.

I have decided to spent today at home eating nothing but salads and fruit juices. I slept in really late and just mulling around the house doing nothing. I have refrained from eating anything. No i am not health conscious on a diet. Actually i am hoping to pile on the kilos. I just felt i had to do my body a favor.

My voice is almost gone. I spent the whole day singing in my room to Chinese love ballads. LOUD.

Yay tomorrow i am watching X-Men.

Foundations of Sand

And then i forget what real love is.

My concept of that term has been contorted, perhaps through my own experience. I have always assumed the perfect couple were both at an extreme leverage of beauty, that the love they had would be unrivalled by any other.

And then i walk around university and i see the contrast. Couples that are so unbefitting of each other in embrace. They see beyond the aesthetics, down deep down. It rocked my foundations of this school of reasoning. The intrusion of this observation imposed on me a paradigm shift in this matter.

How i got superficial is something i am still trying to investigate.

They are happy. That is what that matters.

Utter luck. Stumbled across an American Indian who was making hand made mocassins on the spot.

Saw this beauty and grabbed it ASAP!

I got a new job today. I thought i would be over the moon but somehow i feel indifferent.

Tomorrow will be my induction into Roy Morgan, an international research and statistics company on Collins St.

Next up, find accomodation in the city.

Check this out.

I feel sorrowful. It is Mother's Day and i was cruel to my mum. I shouted at her, i shouted at her when she was trying to be caring. What is wrong with me!

Getting connected.

That crucial second when you translate everything and see the big picture. That enlightenment just hit me. I have digested all the words and actions for true sincerity. When it suddenly occurred that i have been instrumental in advancing your social network.

A Social Pedestal is what i call it. I was your social pedestal.

But it is okay for me. I feel sorry for you as well. Bless ya!

Two highly anticipated movies:

The Banquet

The Promise

Farsi, the Iranian tongue has a term to describe empty offers or invitations. That word is taraf.

I am drowning in a pool of taraf. Vacant offers of help and assistance that were used as a front of politeness and etiquette. Fumble any deeper and you would realise it was a wading pool. A pool as shallow as potholes after a rain.

Sharp acumen is required to sift through the real gestures of assistance and those that dissipates in a second.

"Call me anytime." (taraf)
"If you need a space i'm there." (yeah right! taraf!!!)
:(

Pioneers of their own.

It is our innate human tendency to subscribe to a certain formula, trend and pattern to grasp a situation. We tend to draw similarities from people we know. We try to assimilate our situation and to get an understanding of our lives and others. So we would roam aimlessly, trying to find that trend in someone else's life to fit ours perfectly in order to speculate on our fortune and outcome in the future.

And then we forget that everyone has different lives. One's journey cannot be prescripted as an answer to another. No one takes the same route. What works for someone may have an adverse effect on ours. Decisions that deem a success for someone may not have the same reassuring effect for us. Life is not stencilised as we would hope it to be. No, we cannot affix a formula to get what we desire.

It is freehand drawing. Every etch on the paper determines the next. To boldly draw a line would be reckless. Do not loose the image in our minds. Hold on to it and it will come to life on the paper.

Do not loose the picture of what you want to be. Then decide on the etches. Do not draw formulas and trends from someone else's journey, draw inspiration.

Getting on with life.

Because circumstances has called for it i am forced to take this course of action. It is a drastic change and on everyone's part, unexpected.

I have begun looking at apartments in the city and i am extremely fortunate to have landed a housemate who is mature and stable. An added bonus is that this housemate is a friend of mine. It is tough. So many things to juggle with a constricted amount of time to establish myself.

And i thought this year would be a smooth ride.

I guess my plans for the Thailand trip will be suspended as of now. I have to find my standing. Unlike my oversea counterparts, i am not granted the luxury of my account being spoonfed credit from their kin. It is going to be a solitary track.

Moving on.

Zenith

You left your scent on me.

So i took a taxi to work today. It did a damage of $30 and it was a pain. My brother took my car out and did not come back in time. I was boiling.

So i called up the taxi service and told them my address. 10 minutes passed and yet no sight of the damn yellow falcons. I called them up again, trying to suppress my intense vexation and ire. I said calmly my address one more time. They put me on hold for 10 minutes on my mobile. I hung up.

Scurriedly put on my shoes and ran out to the streets when i saw the yellow taxi drove past my street. I fumed.

Called the taxi line again and shouted: "Oh my God! the taxi drove past my house! It is MULBRY, not MOWBRAY which is further down the damn road." She said "hold on" and was brusquely replaced by music. I hung up.

About to hit the call button again when i caught the taxi creeping up incredulously annoying and slow towards my direction in the distance. Hailed like a madman. Stormed into the car, looked at my street name post, pointed and screamed unrestrained "ARE YOU STUPID??? CAN YOU NOT EVEN SEE THAT SIGN? I AM FUCKING LATE FOR WORK! COME ON MAN! DRIVE!!! TO CHADSTONE!" The Arab guy started swearing at me but i was too flustered to attend to his unhappiness. I was worried sick not to be late for work. But i was.

Midway to work i called my brother's mobile to give him a piece of me. Unreachable.

Fortunately i apologized at the end of the taxi trip.
Still angry though.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Autumn in my backyard.