How old are you? 33? 35? You are the oldest of us yet the most infantile. Your insecurities amplified by your effeminate sensitivity. Your masked pretense a testament to your bitch of a personality and your grovelling lust for poison and discord. Just looking at you compels me to vomit. Your intricnsic reflection of your elevated physique a deterrent rather than an accurate blandishment analogous of the Grecian pantheon. Yucks.

Cease gushing over the juice! Cease serving it out with your impeccable service of malevolence and spite.

Fuck you.

Autumn in Late July

Today was good. Really good actually.

It was one of those rare days of the week or month where you get to afford yourself anything you want. To treat yourself and while the time away without any appointments to do.

This was the only day that i had off from work so i caught up with a high school friend of mine who i have long prolonged a "catching up session" since last year. So i woke up at... I think it was 12.30 arvo. Went to the kitchen, cooked up Pad Thai for my family and then rushed off to meet my friend for a movie.

We watched Me, You and Dupre. I was amazed at the movie. Not because of the plot, the storyline or how well the actors acted. Throughout the movie i saw the overhead microphone filmed in the movie. How could they director not have picked that up??? A bloody microphone was being filmed visible from the top of the screen. I even saw the shadow of the rod. Tsk Tsk. It definitely was a feel good movie.

So the movie wrapped up and i said goodbye to my friend because i had this urge to spend money today to make my day complete. Rushed home for a drink and then rushed out again to Chapel St.

Alone.

Hmm i do not know how to pen the feeling... It was just so relaxing... Driving with my windows down. Today was so Autumn rather than bleak Winter. Oh! i had a great hair day and i had my aviators on as well with my music blaring and catching glimpses of myself in the rear view mirror to see how cool and awesome i looked.

Sigh.

Finding a park on my immediately arrival on Chapel Street made my day. I bought myself a new pair of jeans and a really understated belt. The jeans were really fitting and low cut. (I like) and it was deep red.

At around 6.20pm i made my way back home. Had to do the final and important thing that is going to the gym. I have to perk my body up for next week. Winks*

Anyway that is all for this very "journal" styled entry. It is pretty rare of me to write this sort of entry actually. Hmm

Do you dig my sunnies?

Alas!

So it is a certain. My good friend is going to drop everything he has right now in Melbourne, up and away to Canada.

I am trying not to be selfish. I am trying to discriminate between my desires. I want my friends to stay close by my side. I have lost enough of them through maritime separation. Yet on the other i know that my friend(s) will be happier, to live out what they have always desired although i doubt the truism of the decision. If it perhaps was made on the foundation of greed and self fulfilment or the betterment of their own future however shrouded it may be to their foresight.

Tomorrow i will be meeting up with them as they are going to elaborate what cannot be done over the phone. Sum to say, he has got everything here. A house, two cars, a private zoo in his private abode, a beautiful partner, friends and finally to add, he is in his final year of his degree in the University of Melbourne. And suddenly he decides to up and go based on the volatility of emotions and feelings? Is he going to leave his post in University gaping wide? Abandon everything he has got? Unwise. Utterly.

I have to admit the anticipated vacuum has already begun gnawing at me. I am bothered and yes saddened by the news. I will brace it. I have gone through this since kindergarten. Except the older you get, you become more conscious of the role the person plays in your life. You are better able to understand what the departure of a friend means and consequently the vacancy of their leave has a whole new leverage than losing a friend in primary school.

So tomorrow i will see my friend. The days are already numbered. Let me forge a memory of the time left for us. They are going for certain. The only uncertainty being their return.

JUST SHOOT ME!

This week could easily be the worst i have had in this year. This time it unique because somehow i was not subjected to some mishap or catastrophe. Just all the wrong feeling and emotions erupting at the wrong time.

If asked to put my finger on the needle, i would not be able to. I just do not know what exactly is off track.

So it is 4:16am. I just got back from a club and i feel just aweful. I have a splitting headache, i smoked today... (Something i have successfully refrained from doing for a while) and i stuffed myself with six pieces of KFC at this time of the hour. Grrr!!! Rereading what i have just typed. It does not even sound right as well! What is it??? WHAT IS IT!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS IT! WHAT THE FUCK IS IT! FREAKING HELL MAN!
FUCKING GOING NUTS HERE

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I have been in Australia for say... 10 years? I was schooled here since Year 7/Form 1 and i have always ensured my identity as a Malaysian was preserved through my accent. Yea, i guess i have a slight identity crisis. My life is deeply enrooted in Australia however i still deem myself a Malaysian although the relevant documents to prove so has been obsolete 3 years ago. When relating to my Australian counterparts, i label myself a Malaysian. I would only divulge my Australian citizenship only if probed further. On the other hand, i relate myself as an Australian to my Malaysian friends when asked. Also i have developed that skill of assimilation. Where i could change my accent accordingly. Well, i only put on the Australian accent when i am at work. When i had no other choice but to conform for my own benefit. Otherwise i go off in the almost inconherent Malaysian tangent where my Caucasian friends go wide eyed and poke fun at me whenever listening to me speak.

ON THE OTHER HAND, people who have no reason whatsoever or would not have been in Australia sufficiently long enough to start jabbering in an Australian accent is just... Ridiculous. They have only been here for three or four years and not having a single Caucasian friend suddenly goes all weird and abnormal when an Aussy comes into the equation. They become someone else when they have absolutely no reason to behave that way. I literally cringe when they attempt a jab at the Australian accent. Literally, my skin shrivels and i go scarlett in embarassment. I believe that in their attempt to become more "understandable", they further enhanced the perception Aussies have that these Asian accents are as strange as strange can be. The Aussies probably did not suspect that they were trying to be more coherent to them in the first place. Stop it already!

So many times i just want to pull a friend aside and just tell them to keep it real.

And what about me? I do not hesitate to throw Malaysian slangs into their face as they have into mine. I do not take it personally. I think it is fun. So much an impact i have made that 4 years beyond my high school graduation, my high school mates would say "No la" "Aiya!" "Yes wat!" "Don like that la" to me. That's pretty cool.

Melbourne

Grrrr... Come back! : (

I love my mum.

You know why? Because she is my moral touchstone. An anchor to remind me of goodness in life. Because i am like a renegade, a rebel who revels in the gaiety of the world. Because i have relinquished and supplanted my conscience deep into my recesses without any plans to dig it up anytime soon.

Today i had lunch with her. She brought me to a community centre. It was a far cry from the hip and epicurish cafes and restaurants i frequent in the city. This was different. It was a community centre organised by volunteers, patronised by the elderly or the poorer folks of this community. I arrived in disdain. But my mum reminded me never to look down on anyone. The place was decorated simplistically. The materials were at very best modest and demure, but the warmth of the staff somehow got to me.

A meal would cost you a staggering A$3. The portions generous.

She told me that two important things for a person to always commit into memory is to always have mercy and truth, and to intertwine these aspects round your heart. Success and the favor of men will follow.

I will try to commit this to heart.

Heirloom?

Rumaging in the storeroom, i chanced upon something... spectacular? Well for me anyway.
I came across a 27 year old Roland Cartier pair of loafers. Belonged to my dad when he was studying in London. Flaking, aged and beautifully distressed leather. That is what a good pair of leather shoes should be.

Its mine now!

Love this.

It seems like my mental subconscious is forever preoccupied in worry, important dates to observe, bad events that have occurred, anxiety in anticipating some outcome from a given situation or just agonizing over some petty person or money. Mentally i became so accustomed to this mode and have more or less been the status quo for most of the days in the year.

Today, as i am sitting on my desk fumbling with my thoughts and dissecting my mental timeline in trying to enlist all the things i have to attend to and to brood over, i realised i could not find one. Pretty amazing. It is like under all that haze that dimmed my superficial subconscious making me live in a fallacy of worries, lies nothing... No problems or worriment to be hassled with. Kinda like... free?

Haha

Of course I realise this is but a temporal vent of escape before i am immersed into it all once more.

Photos from the past week or so.

The hell with presentation.

Sometimes aesthetics and presentation can be so pointless and time consuming.
Especially when it is 11pm having just arrived home with a carnivorous appetite. Ready to devour anything within reach.

Nothing more relaxing and casual with a bowl of food thrown in all together and mixed up to resemble dog food.

Here is my dinner for today. Time: 10.50pm

I have got to remind myself the reason behind that decision i made almost two months ago. I keep forgetting and i am continually lured into that trap again. Fortunately i have a couple of friends who would chide and hold me back before it snaps back at me and make me learn the hard way again.

So tonight i was faced with the beckoning. My body yearned to go up and re-live the fantasy i was in. And then i remembered and i kept my distance. I steeled myself, mentally slapping myself to wake up and face reality.

It is not worth it, it will not work, it shall never happen. Move on.

You do not have to hold on to the pain to hold on to the memories.

Heading out from Quay West