Decisions...

So i am at a point where i am where i want to be. I remember my last semester of university when i ached to find a full time professional job. I went on the dole right after my last exam. I recalled the interviews and the speeding fines i accumulated during that period from speeding to my interview venues. And now?

I finally got it. But the vacuum of my desires and ambitions will never be pacified.

I have missed out a part in my life i know will never present itself as an opportunity again. I have stepped to far out.

Did i rush into building my career a little too hastily? Because i see my contemporaries from the old days, from university and from the small cavities of friends i have come to known LIVING life. Some have trekked far Eastern Europe for half a year, some on exchange in Japan, some living out their dream in London, some relocating to Montreal, some going on a scholarship to New York, some doing what they love in Paris and then i am here. In Melbourne.

It is not all too bad, being in Melbourne. However it is acknowledging the "what if?" thats gnaw at you. Not achingly, but intense enough to give you pause.

What if i did this? What if i went there? What if i was brave enough?

But wait!

Remember the grass always looks greener on the other side?
And this time round someone did return from the other side bearing news that will comfort. Living anywhere in this world is pretty much the same. It is how you live your life that matters and how much you make out of it.

That is how i perceive it to be anyway.

Dinner at Vue Le Monde

Russian black caviar on seafood paste and carrots.

Mushroom risotto topped with mushroom cloud.

Foie gra and pistachios.

Fish, lobster and olive.

Carrot consumme with dry ice.

Pork, white cloud and pork paste .

Grade 10 beef on pea paste bed and bernaise sauce.

Pastry with custard.

Smoked chocolate cigars.

Chocolate fudge, ice cream and nuts.

Dessert assortment.

I find solace in God.

When my surroundings turns hostile, when uncontrollable events present themselves antagonistic against me, when your work you have been striving to cultivate crumbles before you.

I turn off the lights, pull my covers over my head and pray knowing that at the end of the day, everything is in his hands. That everything had been a part of his greater design and purpose.

It will be okay.

Feeeeelll the PRESSURE!

I am starting to feel the pinch at work now. By that i am referring to the pressure placed on you from your neighbour sitting at the next carousel up to my manager, my director and the CEO!

So okay, i have been at this job for say 6 weeks? And since 3 weeks ago i have already been inundated with "High Priority" work. However, the past and coming week will be the true test of my resilience and competency.

So the program in which the company invested $1 million on is on a stand still. Apparently everything is fine back up in Sydney where the head office is but the program runs at a crawl here in Melbourne.

And i am thrown in the middle, expected to make a modified version of this program to counter this inconvenience whilst the technicians in Sydney work up a solution.

And because i have an IT background i am given the responsibility. Shivers!

My director has suspended all my key roles in the finance side of things to go back to my IT roots.

So okay i have been working on the prototype. Sent it to Sydney today for the Managers to have a look there and will be avaiting feedback by Thursday.

I actually enjoy this. But it is exactly something like this, the pressure and the costs involved that keeps someone awake at night albeit the aid of sleeping pills.

Inherently i may save my company $12000 or cost them $12000. It is a small deal of money compared to other projects they are doing but for goodness sakes i have only just started!!!

Do not get me wrong. I am not complaining. This is exactly the sort of stuff i wanted. To grow and develop myself professionally under the vigilance of my superiors.

Will be sleeping on it again.

22 Years Old

So today is officially my birthday. The downside of celebrating your birthday on a day apart from the actual date is that its meaning has been eroded and it has lost the auspicious aspect of it. I even cringe when i people call me up to wish me a happy birthday or when my beautiful colleagues go out of their way to buy me my third cake, call everyone into the board room and sing me the ubiquitous song the third time over to me in a span of 1 week.

This year was downscaled dramatically. My 21st was big. A cocktail soiré with a percussions band, a DJ and an attendance of up to 150.

This year although smaller by half, had more meaning and intimacy. I knew everyone, there was food and it was easier on the wallet.

Truthfully i am pretty sick of hearing Happy Birthday wishes. My manager has been going on about it since last week and it is unnecessary attention. Everyone has Birthdays.

I crave for a quiet one this weekend. The hustle and bustle of the past two weeks has made me really really tired.

My Latest Acquisition

Saw this work of art in the window of an antique shop earlier this week during my lunch break and immediately fell in love with it.

Today was the only day that i had enough spare lunch hour to actually have a look. Its a gramaphone! A music player popular in the 1920s. The antique shop even had some really old European records to play with! Listening to it in the shop gave me images of the movie Saving Private Ryan where in one scene a gramaphone was playing a German song amidst the rubble and ruins of a town. Beautiful.

Naturally i bought it on the spot. One of the best purchases i have made in a long time!

Cultures, with it comes the good and bad. Filter out the bad seeds of a society and learn the good of other cultures to make living a better one.

Malaysia
The conclusion of a Chinese banquet style dinner and then comes the embarrassing scrambling for the bill by different families. The goal? To symbolise fortune, to have "face", to protray an image that they have got their financial act together and ultimately to feel that they have done everyone on the round table a tremendous act of charity and generosity.

Driving home and then it dawns on them the magnitude of the bill. The impulsion of their foolish act of the unneeded charity work. The "face" and recognition they gained that probably dissipated in the memories of the dinner guests within the hour. The pangs of the damage done to their wallet haunting them through the weekend. Seriously? It is just not worth it.

Australia
The conclusion of dinner and each individuals calculates their own share of the bill and contributes their part. Simple, straightforward and free. No feelings of remorse, no feelings of obligations or indebtedness. Perfect.

Milestone

I have bastardised everything... I have allowed doubt and cynicism to creep in.

The elements are blemished with the faint watermark of "UNSURE!"

Analyse This!

I am an Analyst by profession, perhaps that was made crystal clear already. What goes unnoticed is the fact that i have been analysing all my life, particularly people.

I believe after all these years of critical scrutinising of people, i have learned tolerance. A lot of it. In due course i aim to be 100% tolerant of everyone, albeit an exceedingly small minority of my demographic classification that shall always fall short of my patience. In essence, i strive to befriend everyone. Regardless of what they can deposit into my social savings account and the collected social standing each may impose on my very own. I am not simply stating that people should calibrate their tolerance levels after mine. In reality, tolerance and acceptance of others in my psyche is nothing more than modest.

Because what i do is to scan, analyse and sequentially tick off a mental checklist in my head. So and so fits this category, so and so will be a potential friend, so and so is not worth investing time with, etcetera. The past couple of years have seen an evolution in my thoughts. Once in a while i get to step back into my mental state i would be in the past three to five years and then draw a comparison with my approach to situations and scenarios i would have taken today.

I recall this friend of mine who wanted me to model some shots for his assignment. By nature, he was reserved and peculiar. Nevertheless i always allowed some small chat with him in a social environment. It was a Friday night and as a way to thank me he offered to shout me an expensive Japanese meal with constant, persistent inferences to his stagnant social life and the lack of friends to colour his mundane and lonely time here in Melbourne. I told him anytime he wanted to come out, just give me a call. I made discreet offers of a sincere friendship that was not built on expensive meals. Most of all, i made it a point to send infrequent smses querying how life was going with the usual greetings regalia. This has been a crucial advent in my social aptitude.

Now three to five years ago, i would never be in such a scenario. I was hardly accommodating to people too different from me. Firstly i would only talk to those that were talked to; i would invest my time into those who i deem "valuable". I would feel awkward to be seen spending my Friday nights with peculiar characters. Worst of all i would subconsciously overlook a person's presence. You see, making a conscious decision to disregard a person's presence in a room is not as atrocious as doing it without knowing. It simply reflects that it has become a part of you. No one is exempted from this, no one. Every one of us has inserted ourselves into a social bracket of a social ladder of our own design. Just ask the Indians.

The gist of the rubbish i have rambled about is this:

Never assume you are better than others. You WILL be surprised.

I could say with strict confidence that i have attained that status where i believe myself to be 100% complete. I never thought it would be so soon because the two major criterions to attain such a status for myself seemed bigger than me. I was deluded that both were as hard as hard can be. I thought it would be a process and struggle that would take a year or so. But in just one month, i have gotten it all.

I am complete.