Last day of Winter in my backyard.

Okay, to set the grounds of this conversation that took place on MSN, this particular Singaporean course mate has never initiated contact with me... except when he needed something.

Nerd Sick (Ben Hoh) says:
eh aaron u there?

gamble™ says:
ya?

gamble™ says:
what you need

(I already knew something was not right. You realise i went straight to the point. Its like "Alright alright i know whats up your sleeves just let it out." No need to beat around the bush.)

Nerd Sick says:
hahah i need ur old BUS 1100 assignment... i deleted mine

(hahah? he is laughing? As if he does not already feel bad that people know he is insincere. Rather he thinks it is funny.)

gamble™ says:
i knew it!

gamble™ says:
don't have it sorry

gamble™ says:
all gone long time ago

Nerd Sick says:
hhaah same also..i delete all those shit i finished

Nerd Sick says: alright nvm..ttyl!

(and that's it? "nevermind.. talk to you later?" later meaning: When i need something else from you i'll let you know. Talk about kiasu)

In this day and age, walking past a smoker be them female or male is a non issue. Something that does not really register even in your subconsciousness.

But a sight that i will gawk at continuously is an old woman puffing away on a ciggy with their old, withered and wrinkly lips.

*shudder*

Mark it somewhere.

- Hilary Clinton will become president of the US. -

Trippin’

I want to congratulate myself for finally finding the enlightenment of knowing what pride in a friendship is, because before this I was dismal when references were made about it. I was clueless in what it meant.

Thank you to you for those subtleties that just concedes your inner world whose concept of friendship is alien as can be. You win? And then? What do you achieve after that? What do you achieve by making unconstructive critical conjectures of your friends? So some juvenile character passes you by with an aerated head as big as their ego with a litany of ideas on how others should conduct themselves as uncompromising and autocratic they may be. And so it ranges from their conduct, their thoughts, their spending, and every other aspect that is of absolute zilch relevance to the subject in discussion. So the juvenile is compelled to comment on everything. Even things whose discretion is of others’ own.

Pride? What the fuck are you on about? Since when was pride of relevance in a healthy friendship? I have NEVER had friendship like this. When it becomes so complicated, when each word is meant to undermine each other, when it feels like being scrutinized and when understanding your friend becomes a taxing task. Disgusting.

Characters like these perceive themselves as the holy grail of logic and practicality when in essence; people just give them the leeway. Why burst their bubble? Leave them be. I say inflate that bubble. So that dey be trippin’ on em’ face in the future.

I can't believe... that i ever had hair that long. Oh my god.
Kinda like it actually... Thinking if i should grow my hair again.

And so I turned round for a hug, just after the elevator opened. Hesitation… That face, it just revealed so much. The glimpse of sadness that broke from the countenance. As if this was not the first time, as if this was just another countless encounters that never endured. I could literally see the thoughts that crossed the mind at that moment. I took a step backwards into the elevator. Never dropping my gaze as I watched the hand disappear behind the closing doors.

One night stand or not, it was for me to decide.

Projected Shanghai Skyline 2010

Our minds... When exposed to a new idea, will never go back to its previous dimensions.

The Beach Club

I get asked why i seem promote for so many different clubs. When i first started out in 2003 my motives were obvious. My first year in university and i admit it was the perfect channel to amplify my social network exponentially.

But now, after going through all that youthful excitement of the initial exposure i promote wearily because:
- I am continually pestered by someone that goes way back.
- Friday nights of idleness solved by going to the club i promote.
- Do not need to buy drinks. Promoters given drink cards for the night.
- Free entry, for those periods when $15 could go a long long way.
- Decorative purposes for my Resume under "Extra-curricular Activities"

and

- I get to skip the line.

The response was a precursor to failure anyway...

Why did i even bother.

I lost 4kgs.

And still deciding if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Thing is, body mass is good. Not fat, but more solid and bigger.

So i now weigh 69kgs.

Lean is good. I like lean too.

Hmm...

August in Hong Kong last year and i stumbled into what i define as a true Fashion Magazine. Pictures and pictures only with advertisements and other useless lifestyle tips to the minimum. It is called Fashion News Men's. A Japanese fashion publication by the famous Japanese editor and stylist Tomoki Sukezane.

Literally, page 1 to the end are just photos. Photos of labels from the runway and fashion shoots by Sukezane himself. This is what a real magazine should be. One thing i can not tolerate is GQ and its ridiculous take on irrelevant and mostly overlooked topics of writing on food, nice cities to holiday in, POLITICS??? Debating politics in a supposedly fashion oriented magazine and then throwing in a few meagre pages of fashion shoots? Tsk.

It is hard to find quality men fashion magazines here. You can of course try Borders where they stock imported European ones or to small specialist magazine shops that has quite okay Taiwanese or Hong Kong publications. However the prices are pretty exorbitant, especially when you know they cost nothing in Asia.

So when a friend makes a trip to Hong Kong and beyond, i make it a point that they include at least an edition of Fashion News into their shopping basket.

Random sms from Malaysia:

Evan: YOU SUCK! Yawn... BORING

Reply: Mee Mee Meow Meow

Evan: Don't you have anything better to say?

Reply: Woof woof?

Evan: =.="

I loathe Korean Electronic goods with a passion! They are so freaking unreliable and untrustworthy.

I could say with 100% confidence that every Korean product i have owned breaks in less than a year.

I had a rather pricey Samsung DVD player that was purchased at roughly A$300 many years ago only to break in 12 months. I then bought some no brand CHINA DVD product that has lasted for almost 3 years.

Next i had a LG 3G mobile that had its ear speaker going kaputz in 8 months. I then had to tolerate using loudspeakers everytime i answered a call for the next 4 months until my contract allowed me to upgrade.

So i was foolishly seduced into buying yet another LG phone Model U880. And now in just 5 months, my brand new LG mobile phone is going mental. Firstly the battery that used to last for 2 days now manages to last JUST for one day. Then it keeps shutting down by itself making me miss important calls. Then one day when i opened the flip to answer a call i heard a sickening "crack". Looked at the hinges abruptly to see the plastic gaping wide. It broke!!! Now it doesnt close properly. ALL THESE IN 5 FREAKING MONTHS!!! UNBELIEVABLE!

Sure they are good to look at, but underneath those misleading aesthetics lies KONKED out electronics and cheapass materials.

DO NOT BUT KOREAN PRODUCTS ESPECIALLY LG! Should be LB instead. Life's BAD!

Okay that was lame :P

I forgot why people go to night clubs.

The motives of the masses has been blurred. Some see it as a means to pick or to be picked up, to see or be seen, to socialise, to catch up, to be with your friends, to dance.

I received complimentary tickets on Friday to go to a party on Sunday in FFour with a guest DJ from Chicago playing soul-house. His name was Roy Davies Jnr.

So i just got back from a night i never expected would give me a different dimension of where clubbing could take you. The music incredible. NOT RnB or Hip Hop, NOT dance or techno, neither was it electronica or poppish dance music. It was somehow different to the house i have heard by Melbourne DJs. It was pure, soulful, house. It was sexy.

The crowd was great. Blacks, latinos and whites. From my vantage, the way i see it, the people were there purely to relax and chill to the music. No pretense.

Sexy.

因為我無聊

Tasted like shit.

I think i want to take a place at the sidelines. Watch as the gladiators clash and do their thing. Let them do as what they are best at. Let them get entangled in their own predicament and problems initiated by themselves. That i may be able to learn from them vicariously to achieve insight.

Because i was in that arena before. My actions were convoluted with theirs. I was like them. Prancing from one to another, desperate and empty. It brought me down. I was a casualty.

If only i could just extricate myself from this whole thing and return to what it was.

Untainted, simple, clean, happier.

Waiting.

Check out "Call on Me".

Whoa! Hold it there!

What is this? This does not belong. It should not even have came close. But i am here. I am stuck.

I know this ground has been regurgitated a million times. But i am standing on this ground and this is what i have to say.

Yes... I was struck like a hot iron. That crucial second when you suddenly realised that you harboured some feelings for some unsuspecting person. Someone you never ever considered to be your interest.

That second has hit me, and there is no going back.

But i can not. Nothing of its nature is correct. I know i can not fight it. Feelings always get the better of me. I never win over my desires.

I am counting the cost of any decision i may pursue. I have to perpetrate yet another cliche, i will loose a friend. A good friend. Got the picture?

Help.

Can't get enough.

I am dreaming of spring,

or perhaps the end of summer.

When the air is warm and friendly.

When i feel energetic and healthy.

When i could go on a swing and enjoy the breeze.

Dress simply without the hassle of overlayers.

When there is live in my skin.

When i am red from the sun.

To walk on the hot sand,

feeling the moist and salt in your face during the setting of the sun.

To see beautiful people coming out from their winter slumber,

frolicking in bright coloured clothes glowing from their newly anointed tan.

When the day really starts when the sun sets.

I can't wait for the warmer season to come.

The first time i was exposed and made aware of such occurences was through the program A Current Affair. There were stories of Men or Women in countries such as China, Indo China and the Middle East who paid a sum of money to someone in Australia so as to marry them and claim them as their lovers in order to get their foot into this country. Once acquiring citizenship or some visa, they separate and then lead their separate lives.

It was not as easy as it seemed though. They had to have proof to validate their relationship. Immigration required documents such as love letters and so forth.

So when a close friend of mine asked yesterday if i could "marry" her if her PR application is rebuffed, i... laughed.

Try as hard to decipher the tone of her voice if she was for real, i could not conclude if she was for real.

She turned out to be serious. So yeah, i agreed to.

or should i?

How old are you? 33? 35? You are the oldest of us yet the most infantile. Your insecurities amplified by your effeminate sensitivity. Your masked pretense a testament to your bitch of a personality and your grovelling lust for poison and discord. Just looking at you compels me to vomit. Your intricnsic reflection of your elevated physique a deterrent rather than an accurate blandishment analogous of the Grecian pantheon. Yucks.

Cease gushing over the juice! Cease serving it out with your impeccable service of malevolence and spite.

Fuck you.

Autumn in Late July

Today was good. Really good actually.

It was one of those rare days of the week or month where you get to afford yourself anything you want. To treat yourself and while the time away without any appointments to do.

This was the only day that i had off from work so i caught up with a high school friend of mine who i have long prolonged a "catching up session" since last year. So i woke up at... I think it was 12.30 arvo. Went to the kitchen, cooked up Pad Thai for my family and then rushed off to meet my friend for a movie.

We watched Me, You and Dupre. I was amazed at the movie. Not because of the plot, the storyline or how well the actors acted. Throughout the movie i saw the overhead microphone filmed in the movie. How could they director not have picked that up??? A bloody microphone was being filmed visible from the top of the screen. I even saw the shadow of the rod. Tsk Tsk. It definitely was a feel good movie.

So the movie wrapped up and i said goodbye to my friend because i had this urge to spend money today to make my day complete. Rushed home for a drink and then rushed out again to Chapel St.

Alone.

Hmm i do not know how to pen the feeling... It was just so relaxing... Driving with my windows down. Today was so Autumn rather than bleak Winter. Oh! i had a great hair day and i had my aviators on as well with my music blaring and catching glimpses of myself in the rear view mirror to see how cool and awesome i looked.

Sigh.

Finding a park on my immediately arrival on Chapel Street made my day. I bought myself a new pair of jeans and a really understated belt. The jeans were really fitting and low cut. (I like) and it was deep red.

At around 6.20pm i made my way back home. Had to do the final and important thing that is going to the gym. I have to perk my body up for next week. Winks*

Anyway that is all for this very "journal" styled entry. It is pretty rare of me to write this sort of entry actually. Hmm

Do you dig my sunnies?

Alas!

So it is a certain. My good friend is going to drop everything he has right now in Melbourne, up and away to Canada.

I am trying not to be selfish. I am trying to discriminate between my desires. I want my friends to stay close by my side. I have lost enough of them through maritime separation. Yet on the other i know that my friend(s) will be happier, to live out what they have always desired although i doubt the truism of the decision. If it perhaps was made on the foundation of greed and self fulfilment or the betterment of their own future however shrouded it may be to their foresight.

Tomorrow i will be meeting up with them as they are going to elaborate what cannot be done over the phone. Sum to say, he has got everything here. A house, two cars, a private zoo in his private abode, a beautiful partner, friends and finally to add, he is in his final year of his degree in the University of Melbourne. And suddenly he decides to up and go based on the volatility of emotions and feelings? Is he going to leave his post in University gaping wide? Abandon everything he has got? Unwise. Utterly.

I have to admit the anticipated vacuum has already begun gnawing at me. I am bothered and yes saddened by the news. I will brace it. I have gone through this since kindergarten. Except the older you get, you become more conscious of the role the person plays in your life. You are better able to understand what the departure of a friend means and consequently the vacancy of their leave has a whole new leverage than losing a friend in primary school.

So tomorrow i will see my friend. The days are already numbered. Let me forge a memory of the time left for us. They are going for certain. The only uncertainty being their return.

JUST SHOOT ME!

This week could easily be the worst i have had in this year. This time it unique because somehow i was not subjected to some mishap or catastrophe. Just all the wrong feeling and emotions erupting at the wrong time.

If asked to put my finger on the needle, i would not be able to. I just do not know what exactly is off track.

So it is 4:16am. I just got back from a club and i feel just aweful. I have a splitting headache, i smoked today... (Something i have successfully refrained from doing for a while) and i stuffed myself with six pieces of KFC at this time of the hour. Grrr!!! Rereading what i have just typed. It does not even sound right as well! What is it??? WHAT IS IT!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS IT! WHAT THE FUCK IS IT! FREAKING HELL MAN!
FUCKING GOING NUTS HERE

jlghghweGWEJ JEJRPGJOEARP R[OTGJE[TI[OTJUdrtuhjdtrhrtyt Shstrjke5euijt9PUT9-4 U!#PQ 3U9-U-$uu3U1 qutfripJU (#(_{ ea

I have been in Australia for say... 10 years? I was schooled here since Year 7/Form 1 and i have always ensured my identity as a Malaysian was preserved through my accent. Yea, i guess i have a slight identity crisis. My life is deeply enrooted in Australia however i still deem myself a Malaysian although the relevant documents to prove so has been obsolete 3 years ago. When relating to my Australian counterparts, i label myself a Malaysian. I would only divulge my Australian citizenship only if probed further. On the other hand, i relate myself as an Australian to my Malaysian friends when asked. Also i have developed that skill of assimilation. Where i could change my accent accordingly. Well, i only put on the Australian accent when i am at work. When i had no other choice but to conform for my own benefit. Otherwise i go off in the almost inconherent Malaysian tangent where my Caucasian friends go wide eyed and poke fun at me whenever listening to me speak.

ON THE OTHER HAND, people who have no reason whatsoever or would not have been in Australia sufficiently long enough to start jabbering in an Australian accent is just... Ridiculous. They have only been here for three or four years and not having a single Caucasian friend suddenly goes all weird and abnormal when an Aussy comes into the equation. They become someone else when they have absolutely no reason to behave that way. I literally cringe when they attempt a jab at the Australian accent. Literally, my skin shrivels and i go scarlett in embarassment. I believe that in their attempt to become more "understandable", they further enhanced the perception Aussies have that these Asian accents are as strange as strange can be. The Aussies probably did not suspect that they were trying to be more coherent to them in the first place. Stop it already!

So many times i just want to pull a friend aside and just tell them to keep it real.

And what about me? I do not hesitate to throw Malaysian slangs into their face as they have into mine. I do not take it personally. I think it is fun. So much an impact i have made that 4 years beyond my high school graduation, my high school mates would say "No la" "Aiya!" "Yes wat!" "Don like that la" to me. That's pretty cool.

Melbourne

Grrrr... Come back! : (

I love my mum.

You know why? Because she is my moral touchstone. An anchor to remind me of goodness in life. Because i am like a renegade, a rebel who revels in the gaiety of the world. Because i have relinquished and supplanted my conscience deep into my recesses without any plans to dig it up anytime soon.

Today i had lunch with her. She brought me to a community centre. It was a far cry from the hip and epicurish cafes and restaurants i frequent in the city. This was different. It was a community centre organised by volunteers, patronised by the elderly or the poorer folks of this community. I arrived in disdain. But my mum reminded me never to look down on anyone. The place was decorated simplistically. The materials were at very best modest and demure, but the warmth of the staff somehow got to me.

A meal would cost you a staggering A$3. The portions generous.

She told me that two important things for a person to always commit into memory is to always have mercy and truth, and to intertwine these aspects round your heart. Success and the favor of men will follow.

I will try to commit this to heart.

Heirloom?

Rumaging in the storeroom, i chanced upon something... spectacular? Well for me anyway.
I came across a 27 year old Roland Cartier pair of loafers. Belonged to my dad when he was studying in London. Flaking, aged and beautifully distressed leather. That is what a good pair of leather shoes should be.

Its mine now!

Love this.

It seems like my mental subconscious is forever preoccupied in worry, important dates to observe, bad events that have occurred, anxiety in anticipating some outcome from a given situation or just agonizing over some petty person or money. Mentally i became so accustomed to this mode and have more or less been the status quo for most of the days in the year.

Today, as i am sitting on my desk fumbling with my thoughts and dissecting my mental timeline in trying to enlist all the things i have to attend to and to brood over, i realised i could not find one. Pretty amazing. It is like under all that haze that dimmed my superficial subconscious making me live in a fallacy of worries, lies nothing... No problems or worriment to be hassled with. Kinda like... free?

Haha

Of course I realise this is but a temporal vent of escape before i am immersed into it all once more.

Photos from the past week or so.

The hell with presentation.

Sometimes aesthetics and presentation can be so pointless and time consuming.
Especially when it is 11pm having just arrived home with a carnivorous appetite. Ready to devour anything within reach.

Nothing more relaxing and casual with a bowl of food thrown in all together and mixed up to resemble dog food.

Here is my dinner for today. Time: 10.50pm

I have got to remind myself the reason behind that decision i made almost two months ago. I keep forgetting and i am continually lured into that trap again. Fortunately i have a couple of friends who would chide and hold me back before it snaps back at me and make me learn the hard way again.

So tonight i was faced with the beckoning. My body yearned to go up and re-live the fantasy i was in. And then i remembered and i kept my distance. I steeled myself, mentally slapping myself to wake up and face reality.

It is not worth it, it will not work, it shall never happen. Move on.

You do not have to hold on to the pain to hold on to the memories.

Heading out from Quay West

My fears were realised this morning.

I got up this morning to find the house empty. Walked over to the kitchen counter to find three slips in red staring back at me. I was shattered.

Here were three slips notifying my of my driving offences. A total of 5 demerit points, and a total of $361 in fine.

Sigh... I do not know how to articulate my feelings through words. I called up a couple of my friends and totally lost it on the phone.

A very close friend of mine is having her birthday tonight, and my good mood is utterly annihilated. I do not understand why i always seem to loose money. It is like i can never attain that bank balance i am aiming for. Something suddenly appears and shits all over my hard work.

I have so many freaking expenses... Not to mention a friend who is here on holiday who just arrived today.

Even my mum was sympathetic to me the message she wrote next to my lunch on her way out.

Then i received a random email from Jimmy. It made me feel better.

I think i will not venture out of my house for a while. Stepping out of the door means the outflow of money.

I wish someone is here with me now.

Feeling down.

Today...

Today i had some urgent thing in the city. So i was driving hastily along the freeway. Cutting into lanes and speeding and tailgating so the slow pokes would just fuck off into another lane.

I do not understand why i am such a different person behind the wheel. I become nasty, cruel and vindictive.

So i was cutting into lanes when i cut into an unmarked police car's. My music was blaring away and i began tailgating a Hyundai in front of me. All this while i was oblivious to the unmarked police car with the lights on pursuing after me. So the police drove to my side and made some hand gestures. Still oblivious, i sneered at him from behind my aviators and stuck up my middle finger nice and clear for him to relish.

Then i saw the blue and red lights.

My heart fell.

I pulled over.

I was given three demerit points.

And i am now in wait of the penalty in my mail.

Which could be up to $300.

I am now waiting for my friend to pick me up to go shopping.

I frequently chat to my dear cousin in London who has just completed her fashion degree, regarding tailoring clothes, 'in' colours, hair styles and what not.
Lately she has been talking about this new trend called the "onii-kei". Until recently, trendy young men with brown dyed hair and tanned skin were a prominent fixture on the streets of Shibuya. They were known as gyaru-o ("gal men") - meaning male versions of the girls with a similar look who dominated Shibuya street fashion a few years ago. But now many of these men have graduated from the gyaru-o look to a new style that has been dubbed onii-kei (literally "elder brother style"). Whereas gyaru-o tend to dress down in surfer attire or casual sports clothing, onii-kei men prefer a slick look characterized by white tailored jackets, low-necked tank tops, imported jeans, and pointed leather shoes.

Onii-kei Essentials:
Onii-kei combines the styles known in Japanese as Ame-kaji ("American casual") and Ita-kaji ("Italian casual") with rocker touches to create a glamorous, sexy look. Onii-kei men are designer label fanatics who complete their outfits with belts, waist pouches, watches, sunglasses, and other accessories from world-famous brands. Also essential to the onii-kei look is the teased shag haircut known as "wolf hair," fastidiously groomed and complemented by scented products.

Charlotte's

Enmity

In the 1996 movie 'A Time To Kill' starring Matthew McConaughey and Sandra Bullock, we recall the key elements that contributed to the contention and premise of the movie. Racism, the KKK, the law, vengeance and (in)justice. I suppose the image of the movie that i have recalled eidetically was the 10 year old black girl who was walking along the dusty path as a truck of bogan white men came up from behind, snatched her, raped her continuously only to slay her and left for trash. The ensuing events hence were the trials that succeeded the killing of the guilty by the father of the girl.

I caught up with an old friend of mine and as the usual protocol goes, we asked each other about what we were up to lately and of course i enquired about my old work place. It was this French Restaurant that i worked at as a waiter many years ago.

According to Brandon, Praveena who was this Indian waitress was serving the head chef his dinner. The head chef known as Nick was seated with the restaurant manager and a friend by the lounge.
So here she came and after putting down the food, Nick yelled at her: "Where the hell is my salt and peppar?"
Keeping quiet she turned and rolled her eyes, only to be attacked viciously.
"Don't you dare roll your eyes at me again or i'll fuck you until you become white!"

I do not know, but i remembered blood rushing to my head.

Aaron Spelling, the person i
was named after passed away
at 83.

Ready, Steady, Cook!

南拳媽媽

Made a forced trip to the gym to revitalise my month old dilapidated body. The past month gave me no allowance to exercise, coupled with the artic cold weather my body has shrunken... I reckond. So yeah, i pushed myself to my previous threshold. Too proud to twitch the notch any lower. God i was rusty.

Releasing the bar with a crash, i walked out feeling almost on the brink of fainting. My eardrums was echoing, i felt dizzy and i felt like throwing up. Made my way into the car, plomped down on the seat and sat there gasping for breath for ten minutes. Finally i revved the engine and tried to get into reverse gear. My hands were so weak and fatigued that i had to use both hands to pull it down, i started getting feverish and was hot all over. I also started making vomiting noises although nothing came out and practically made vomiting noises all the way home in the car. Gosh! I was vehemently steering my wheel all the way back, panged with intolerable pressure in my head.

Stupid exams! Made me like this! Grrrrrr.

I like Nan Quan Mama. It is this really hot Taiwanese band with a russian-sino lead singer chick.
Here is a video for your perusal.
Ta.

There is something really pressing i need to write about... But now is not the correct time. I will reserve this for another day :)

Psychedelic Agony

Lights, smoke, drugs, music.

Shuffling of feet, conversations droned out, gazing around.
Friends distant. Crowd alien. Smoke malodorous.

Pensive, contemplative, convicted and awoken.

WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS PLACE!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
GOD TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE!

Lights, smoke, drugs, music...

Unlike any other day at work, today differentiated itself through our usually routined greetings and farewells.

A colleague of mine recently sent in his resignation to transfer to Queensland, and today would be the last day we would work together.

Wrapping up my task before signing off, i looked for Ram to say goodbye.

"Hey man i'm finished for today, heading off now... So i'll see you sometime soon?"

(Seriously, i knew that i was never going to cross paths again with Ram. I said it to create an illusion that this was yet another routine farewell every other working day.)

"Sure mate."

We shook hands firmly and he looked at me intently for a while. Somehow between that exchance of glances, we both realised... this was it. Through his eyes i could tell that he was making the last few seconds we had to remember this exchange, before i walked out through the door.

I smiled my biggest smile and left.

OMG I ALMOST DIED! COULD NOT BREATH!!! YOU MUST WATCH THIS!!!!!!!!

The death of a student.

A milestone.

I finished my last examination for the rest of my life. I have finally completed university for good.

I made a detour to Chadstone Mall to reward myself after the exams. I had a $54 credit with Myers and i was looking around to see what i could get. So anything i buy i would receive a discount of $54. I was thinking of this $150 cardigan. I hate shopping at departmental stores. The things you get there are so not unique and not a "stand out". Everyone would have the same shit. I ended up not buying anything at all. I will use it to get an Aesop eye serum when i get the time.

Strangely, i picked up my Viola which i have not touched since high school orchestra. The case was all dusty but the wood of my Viola was so fragrant! It has aged gracefully. Well i played a few pieces that i used to perform in my school orchestra. Brought back a ton load of memories.

I just hit me... I am no more a student. An era of my life has ended... 16 years to be precise. I am in transition, and it is not a good mode to be in.

I like this video.

After many trials and error, i have finally mastered my coffee making skills. I have mastered cafe latte art! Fern leaves, love hearts and swirls.

My goody goody hair : )

A glance into the future.

What time is it? He rubbed his eyes and attempted to accomodate the surroundings. Saturday noon in the person's bedroom. Looked to the right and saw the person seated at the table. Intent on a pile of books. It has been a rocky one. But this morning it felt like day one.
He got up slowly and made his way to the study table peering over the person's shoulder to see what the person was up to... exam preparations.

His attention was drawn to the intrusive machinery down on the street from the apartment. From his perch on the tenth floor he could see the shape forming of the proposed park to revitalise the area north of the city.

He proceeded to talk to the person. He poured out his thoughts. He spoke about his concerns, about where they were going, what the future was, the expiry and where they would be exactly one year from now. Silence.

He said that he hoped everything would be going strong one year from this point. Saddened, he then brought up the topic of the person's leaving. How the person will be gone for good at the end of year. He said one year from now, after that park has finished construction he would visit the park and gaze back to the apartment window where they were once having this conversation. By that time, there would not be a trace left of the person. That bedroom window will be vacated, tenured by a new tenant.

The park has been completed. It is 10pm and he is making his way back to the car after a long day at work. He made a detour over the dew soaked grass of winter towards the centre of the park. Looking up, he saw that window. It finally came to pass. One year, and everything he predicted was what it was. Everything has changed since that saturday afternoon. That person... the person has long been gone. The park is ready and he?

He will always be around. The memory of that saturday afternoon etched into his memory forever.

I broke down... finally. I guess i could not hold it in anymore.

You know what? I was hysterical. Something like this happens once a year, and it was today.

I just could not take the pressure anymore. From almost all areas of my life. It seems like all the lifewires are about to snap whipping everything into smithereens as they recoil.

Where to from hitherto?

Felicia says:
i want a very romantic song

Felicia says:
u know what

Felicia says:
i just realise that the only guy that i will ever really really love is Alex (before when we were together) but not now

Felicia says:
so sad

gamble™ says:
something like losing the virginity of love huh?

Felicia says:
yeah

Felicia says:
seriously

gamble™ says:
i know what you mean

Felicia says:
like i lost the passion to do sth really really special for my partner

Felicia says:
who's the person u really loved?

gamble™ says:
i dunno...

gamble™ says:
but i know i could love more

gamble™ says:
that i have not reached my full potential to love someone yet.

Detox

The past week was spent abusing my body. I battered myself with 4-5 hours sleep every night, rushing from place to place, denying my body of food for the whole day only to come crashing down with fast food and rubbish. I worked myself to exhaustion and today is Monday.

I have decided to spent today at home eating nothing but salads and fruit juices. I slept in really late and just mulling around the house doing nothing. I have refrained from eating anything. No i am not health conscious on a diet. Actually i am hoping to pile on the kilos. I just felt i had to do my body a favor.

My voice is almost gone. I spent the whole day singing in my room to Chinese love ballads. LOUD.

Yay tomorrow i am watching X-Men.

Foundations of Sand

And then i forget what real love is.

My concept of that term has been contorted, perhaps through my own experience. I have always assumed the perfect couple were both at an extreme leverage of beauty, that the love they had would be unrivalled by any other.

And then i walk around university and i see the contrast. Couples that are so unbefitting of each other in embrace. They see beyond the aesthetics, down deep down. It rocked my foundations of this school of reasoning. The intrusion of this observation imposed on me a paradigm shift in this matter.

How i got superficial is something i am still trying to investigate.

They are happy. That is what that matters.

Utter luck. Stumbled across an American Indian who was making hand made mocassins on the spot.

Saw this beauty and grabbed it ASAP!

I got a new job today. I thought i would be over the moon but somehow i feel indifferent.

Tomorrow will be my induction into Roy Morgan, an international research and statistics company on Collins St.

Next up, find accomodation in the city.

Check this out.

I feel sorrowful. It is Mother's Day and i was cruel to my mum. I shouted at her, i shouted at her when she was trying to be caring. What is wrong with me!

Getting connected.

That crucial second when you translate everything and see the big picture. That enlightenment just hit me. I have digested all the words and actions for true sincerity. When it suddenly occurred that i have been instrumental in advancing your social network.

A Social Pedestal is what i call it. I was your social pedestal.

But it is okay for me. I feel sorry for you as well. Bless ya!

Two highly anticipated movies:

The Banquet

The Promise