I broke down... finally. I guess i could not hold it in anymore.

You know what? I was hysterical. Something like this happens once a year, and it was today.

I just could not take the pressure anymore. From almost all areas of my life. It seems like all the lifewires are about to snap whipping everything into smithereens as they recoil.

Where to from hitherto?

Felicia says:
i want a very romantic song

Felicia says:
u know what

Felicia says:
i just realise that the only guy that i will ever really really love is Alex (before when we were together) but not now

Felicia says:
so sad

gamble™ says:
something like losing the virginity of love huh?

Felicia says:
yeah

Felicia says:
seriously

gamble™ says:
i know what you mean

Felicia says:
like i lost the passion to do sth really really special for my partner

Felicia says:
who's the person u really loved?

gamble™ says:
i dunno...

gamble™ says:
but i know i could love more

gamble™ says:
that i have not reached my full potential to love someone yet.

Detox

The past week was spent abusing my body. I battered myself with 4-5 hours sleep every night, rushing from place to place, denying my body of food for the whole day only to come crashing down with fast food and rubbish. I worked myself to exhaustion and today is Monday.

I have decided to spent today at home eating nothing but salads and fruit juices. I slept in really late and just mulling around the house doing nothing. I have refrained from eating anything. No i am not health conscious on a diet. Actually i am hoping to pile on the kilos. I just felt i had to do my body a favor.

My voice is almost gone. I spent the whole day singing in my room to Chinese love ballads. LOUD.

Yay tomorrow i am watching X-Men.

Foundations of Sand

And then i forget what real love is.

My concept of that term has been contorted, perhaps through my own experience. I have always assumed the perfect couple were both at an extreme leverage of beauty, that the love they had would be unrivalled by any other.

And then i walk around university and i see the contrast. Couples that are so unbefitting of each other in embrace. They see beyond the aesthetics, down deep down. It rocked my foundations of this school of reasoning. The intrusion of this observation imposed on me a paradigm shift in this matter.

How i got superficial is something i am still trying to investigate.

They are happy. That is what that matters.

Utter luck. Stumbled across an American Indian who was making hand made mocassins on the spot.

Saw this beauty and grabbed it ASAP!

I got a new job today. I thought i would be over the moon but somehow i feel indifferent.

Tomorrow will be my induction into Roy Morgan, an international research and statistics company on Collins St.

Next up, find accomodation in the city.

Check this out.

I feel sorrowful. It is Mother's Day and i was cruel to my mum. I shouted at her, i shouted at her when she was trying to be caring. What is wrong with me!

Getting connected.

That crucial second when you translate everything and see the big picture. That enlightenment just hit me. I have digested all the words and actions for true sincerity. When it suddenly occurred that i have been instrumental in advancing your social network.

A Social Pedestal is what i call it. I was your social pedestal.

But it is okay for me. I feel sorry for you as well. Bless ya!

Two highly anticipated movies:

The Banquet

The Promise

Farsi, the Iranian tongue has a term to describe empty offers or invitations. That word is taraf.

I am drowning in a pool of taraf. Vacant offers of help and assistance that were used as a front of politeness and etiquette. Fumble any deeper and you would realise it was a wading pool. A pool as shallow as potholes after a rain.

Sharp acumen is required to sift through the real gestures of assistance and those that dissipates in a second.

"Call me anytime." (taraf)
"If you need a space i'm there." (yeah right! taraf!!!)
:(

Pioneers of their own.

It is our innate human tendency to subscribe to a certain formula, trend and pattern to grasp a situation. We tend to draw similarities from people we know. We try to assimilate our situation and to get an understanding of our lives and others. So we would roam aimlessly, trying to find that trend in someone else's life to fit ours perfectly in order to speculate on our fortune and outcome in the future.

And then we forget that everyone has different lives. One's journey cannot be prescripted as an answer to another. No one takes the same route. What works for someone may have an adverse effect on ours. Decisions that deem a success for someone may not have the same reassuring effect for us. Life is not stencilised as we would hope it to be. No, we cannot affix a formula to get what we desire.

It is freehand drawing. Every etch on the paper determines the next. To boldly draw a line would be reckless. Do not loose the image in our minds. Hold on to it and it will come to life on the paper.

Do not loose the picture of what you want to be. Then decide on the etches. Do not draw formulas and trends from someone else's journey, draw inspiration.

Getting on with life.

Because circumstances has called for it i am forced to take this course of action. It is a drastic change and on everyone's part, unexpected.

I have begun looking at apartments in the city and i am extremely fortunate to have landed a housemate who is mature and stable. An added bonus is that this housemate is a friend of mine. It is tough. So many things to juggle with a constricted amount of time to establish myself.

And i thought this year would be a smooth ride.

I guess my plans for the Thailand trip will be suspended as of now. I have to find my standing. Unlike my oversea counterparts, i am not granted the luxury of my account being spoonfed credit from their kin. It is going to be a solitary track.

Moving on.

Zenith

You left your scent on me.

So i took a taxi to work today. It did a damage of $30 and it was a pain. My brother took my car out and did not come back in time. I was boiling.

So i called up the taxi service and told them my address. 10 minutes passed and yet no sight of the damn yellow falcons. I called them up again, trying to suppress my intense vexation and ire. I said calmly my address one more time. They put me on hold for 10 minutes on my mobile. I hung up.

Scurriedly put on my shoes and ran out to the streets when i saw the yellow taxi drove past my street. I fumed.

Called the taxi line again and shouted: "Oh my God! the taxi drove past my house! It is MULBRY, not MOWBRAY which is further down the damn road." She said "hold on" and was brusquely replaced by music. I hung up.

About to hit the call button again when i caught the taxi creeping up incredulously annoying and slow towards my direction in the distance. Hailed like a madman. Stormed into the car, looked at my street name post, pointed and screamed unrestrained "ARE YOU STUPID??? CAN YOU NOT EVEN SEE THAT SIGN? I AM FUCKING LATE FOR WORK! COME ON MAN! DRIVE!!! TO CHADSTONE!" The Arab guy started swearing at me but i was too flustered to attend to his unhappiness. I was worried sick not to be late for work. But i was.

Midway to work i called my brother's mobile to give him a piece of me. Unreachable.

Fortunately i apologized at the end of the taxi trip.
Still angry though.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Autumn in my backyard.

The Ball

Venom

I have great respect for those who know boundaries and adheres to it. I have an even greater and profound respect for those who chooses not to exploit the vulnerability of someone when their secrets, demons and weaknesses are laid at the feet exposed.

Rather than enterprising from their vulnerabilities, they shrug it off saying that it is not any of their concern and that they are entitled to their privacy. Sadly to say there is but a minority of those who i could respect in this sense.

How many of us would lunge forward to devour the juice of someone's misfortunes and secrets? How many of us possess any sense of propriety and self respect when it comes to the image and dignity of another?

So often we revel in the destruction of others. To see them struggle in their waste and predicament. The will to abstain from noxious gossip and speculation is almost impossible to muster.
Hmm.

I have low tolerance for rubbish. I can not be in the vicinity of company that are so full of shit only mindless unintelligent remarks spew from their rubbish mentality. Rubbish comments does not embarrass you, it embarrasses the people around you. Rubbish is obligated to be purged. Time is due to fucking grow up and get with the program because everyone has. Period.

I dig complimenting girls. I love to flatter them with praises and compliments and then see them go all bimbo.
It is amazing how easily these bimbettes get flattered. It is comical and hilarious.

So i would be, "Hey your looking real hot tonight. What's up??"
and then they gush: "Really??? THANK YOU!!!"
Or i would say, "Those shoes are really sexy. Your really pretty... MAN!!! your just gorgeous tonight!"

Okay, i shall not venture into describing how a girl would respond to such flattery. Bimbo, just bimbo.

Haha (Of course there are times when i can be downright sincere and honest... You never know eh?)

You know what wawa is?

St. Kilda

a) My mouth is consistently parched no matter how much water i drink.
b) My nasal passage is so clear i could hit a note an octave above my range.
c) I find myself smiling to myself for no apparent reason.
d) I drift in and out of sleep during sleep.
e) My jaws are sore due to my subconscious clenching of teeth.
f) My lips are bleeding due to my voracious appetite to suck an object.
g) My skin and face feels detoxified, clean and amazingly fresh.

Only veterans would know.

Career and stuff.

Considering the fact that this semester is my final, i have been consumed with the fresh-graduates syndrome. You know, the disheartening apprehension if you will be employed and the prospects of getting a decent job. I recalled the last time i was consumed with this feeling. It was during my last year of secondary school where i worked my ass off. My mind was literally riveted with the thought of not securing a high enough ENTER score to get into the course and university i wanted. Whenever i put my pen down for a pause to rest from my studies, i would be harassed by images of me pushing supermarket trolleys on the streets and becoming a bogan* flicking bogey at flies on the wall. I was distraught. SCARED! So instantaneously i get this fresh boost of energy to work my ass off for another 5 hours before i call it a day.

What a life!

But my work paid off. I got 94.3 for my ENTER. Yes it is humble in comparison to those other Asian nerds who whinge about getting 99.999995 or something. Idiots.

Back to what i am trying to say.

So the last time i was tormented by this nerve-racking feeling, i turned out okay. This time round i hope i still carry the luck aura haha. Something like Warcraft 3... you know! the auras the hero emanates.

You see, right this instance i am midway in completing an extensive, mentally taxing and torturous graduate application with this organisation. I am flat out! Tomorrow is the cut off date for a great many companies and i have only covered a few. (I have begun to suspect this blog entry was to serve as a vent for my frustration. Hmm)

So it is my utmost desire and hope that things would turn out well as it had the last time.

The weekend is going to be mad!

Kill me. The only constant in my life are changes. I am denied adequate time to digest and catch up with this pace. I am tired beyond words. Fatigued!

Good times.

I love my new shoes.

Foreigners in Hibernation.

Well superficially we all seem to converse and dialogue decently enough. Individuals from constrasting extremities in upbringing who are able to hold mundane conversations.

What i mean is that we interact with people everyday. People we have known for a long time or some that has just signed in to our lives in the past day or two.

So here we are talking. Uttering about every subject under the sun and then we enthuse about the feeling that we have every single thing in common and that our minds are alike.

But have you ever recalled an incident where a great conversation went ugly with something so paltry, a topic so ordinary yet powerful enough to disfigure the mood. Suddenly we come across this person who we thought of us our kin as someone so alien. Suddenly our thoughts are enstranged from each other. Suddenly they come under a different light.

We ask ourselves how on earth did this person got so close to us. What was it that drew us together initially? Because at this instance they amount to nothing but foreign.

There is so much that we do not know in the deep recesses of one's thoughts. Beware!

Friends today, strangers the next.

Plenty of things has occured during the past two weeks. So many that i find it a challenge to pen and articulate my thoughts.

There is just so many things to look forward to, yet so many things that restricts the dimension of my happiness internally. Hmm.

So this time i am dumbfounded.

Grrrrrrr...

In Transition

My Summer loving friends have always questioned me my favourite season. In my first few years in Melbourne i have always answered with Winter. This reply solicits remarks that usually ridicules my preference. And in response, i would even describe my perfect day. A cold cold Winter evening, overcast, gentle breeze, the last shreds of Autumn leaves to be seen on the streets and strolling on Russel St. with someone you love. Hmm.

Winter is encroaching. This time round however, there has been a slight shift in paradigm. My inclination over the years has evolved. I have grown to love Spring and the warmer weather. Because right now i am alluded to the ugly faces of Winter. The dreary, bleak and miserable weather, the cold that attacks your fingers and toes, loneliness, a cold bed, ughhh. Apart from my perfect day, everything else is dismal.

Ironically i am still looking forward for Winter. I miss those walks in the city tugging uselessly at your jacket to keep out the cold and the feeling of contemplation that tends to overwhelm you when you are out alone waiting to meet someone or even a trip to 7-11.

I love Winter.

Photos

I took around 1000 photos so the ones i have uploaded has been filtered through quite a little. Back in Melbourne and i have to deal with bills, my university work which is behind, and alot of other mundane but important things that i really have no heart to face. So i am more or less home alone for the next two weeks and it is strange. To be around people all the time during my time away and the sudden silence. Do not like it.

To tell you the truth, China did not make an impression for me. It has a long long way to go to beautify and modernise itself for the Olympics in 2008. The people were great however. My mind is a little dead so i will not write much. Just some photos to share.

Coffee Bean at Sungai Wang

On the way to Zouk Kuala Lumpur.

Last night in KL with Rina and Pei Lin at Luna Bar

Sean, my only friend in Beijing. Showed me around the night life.

Tiananmen Square.

The Forbidden City

The marble disc i am standing on has been stood on by 24 emperors of the past. It was the centre of the ceremonies held in the Temple of Heaven complex.

Little Potala Palace replica. Just a big and grandiose as the one in Tibet.

A sight fast disappearing in Beijing.

Frozen in ChengDe (third city visited).

The Ming Tombs.

Preparing to scale the Great Wall.

For those who frequent the bitchy BryanBoy's website you will recall this photo of him in his Beijing post. www.bryanboy.com

The highest point in Badaling area of Great Wall. Hardly anyone made it up there so i managed to take a photo without anyone in the background.

Pandas!

Maggie Mee

Seonjin says:
cool

Seonjin says:
what are u up to

gamble™ says:
nothing much just trying to think what else i need to do

Seonjin says:
what else u need to buy

gamble™ says:
need to buy ciggies

gamble™ says:
just now i bought a bag for maggie

Seonjin says:
haha for who

Seonjin says:
ooh

Seonjin says:
i like the assam flavour

gamble™ says:
ha???? what assam flavour?

gamble™ says:
assam flavoured ciggies???

Seonjin says:
haha of course not

Seonjin says:
the maggie la

gamble™ says:
i bought Maggie an evening bag

gamble™ says:
what asam??

Seonjin says:
ooh u mean u bought a bag for maggie

Seonjin says:
GOSH

Seonjin says:
i thought u bought a packet of maggie noodles

gamble™ says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Seonjin says:
and that is why i said i like assam laksa flavour

gamble™ says:
OMG

gamble™ says:
OMG

gamble™ says:
OMG

gamble™ says:
thats the funniest thing ever!!!!!

Seonjin says:
sorry a bit blurred already hehee

I am back from my trip in China and am currently recuperating at my cousin's apartment in Kuala Lumpur. When i say recuperating, i literally mean the renewal and recovery of my strenuous ordeal in China. I lost 6 kilos in 4 days, was deprived of sleep, and endured aching and miserable hours in the coach travelling from city to city.

In the midst of this however, i made new friends, i witnessed breathtaking architecture and sceneries, and i grew to love the beautiful people of China.

I will publish photos and provide a lenthy narration of my trip as soon as i land in Melbourne.

I miss Melbourne!!!

ISLAM

So it is more or less global knowledge the happenings on Cronulla Beach in south coastal Sydney. The racial animosity and rioting cataclysmic in magnifying increased hatred amongst the muslim community and the rest of Australians. There is now a chasm between the muslim community and the rest of Australia.

Yes i am not fond of them. In fact i could be on par with those people who ran amuck on the streets of Cronulla. I am not insinuating my message. I am declaring my contention explicitly. Hey i was from Malaysia. A country dominated by an administration that pertains to a certain level of segregation and elitism. Did i mention Malaysia was an islamic state?

I do love Malaysia. Malaysia would not be where it was economically and socially without the entrepreneurial Chinese who are the backbone of the nation's success.

Back to Cronulla.

There is a trend that i have perceived in regards to this group of people. They are oblivious and ungrateful.

The consequential debates and shows ensuing the incident at Cronulla exhibited the fugly head scarf wearing women in exasperated anger yet comical decorum on the bleachers of the studio. There they are complaining that the Australian leaders are making comments that would incite increased hatred and division. They complain that the Australians are not responsible enough in dealing with the chasm that has singled them out of this society. They are after more humanitarian grounds, respect, freedom, and alleviated racism from the police force and other groups.

Here they are in Australia demanding for all these perks. Let us give a thought of what the situation would be like if the Cronulla incident were to happen in a muslim country or where they orinigated. Say Lebanon. Let us say that a Lebanese lifeguard was killed by Australian beach goers and were to retaliate and hurt people on a beach suburb of Lebanon. The consequence would NEVER be what it was in Australia. What? A slap on the wrist and then set free? The Australians in Lebanon would probably be castrated, decapitated, disembowelled, hanged, shot, oh! just whatever that damn sharia law dictates!!!

And here these muslims are on Australian National TV seated in a studio granted the opportunity to manifest their tasteless temper and stupid demands for "a fair go" and demanding that they should be treated better.

Boy! it truely is a trend globally. The Chinese were massacred in Malaysia due to the muslims inferiority and mental dynamics. The Chinese were raped and massacred in Indonesia because they were too rich and successful while the limited dimensions of the muslim populace gave them the satisfaction to be workers and employees of the Chinese.

So some of you may judge me, racist even but it is of minimal importance. I am not going to throw in an empathetic statement to counterbalance my vilifications. I am not going to say "Oh! but not all of them are like that. There are the good and peaceful ones."

So there you go. That is my contention for now. (Subject to changes)

Drinks before i go.

Sense

Well i had a haircut today. Turned out satisfactory however they have raised the price by $3. Strange.

Jezza and Moi

Then again, i suppose the mature thing to do is to overlook this minute dissonance and commemorate the good. Sigh.

Stupid shifty people. Make up your fucking slow-witted minds and quit your incredulous cowardly excuses.

China

So it is confirmed. Hasty and unplanned as it was, I will be heading to China in just over two weeks. Got my ticket from the agent and also made the visit to the Chinese consulate in Toorak to apply for a visa to enter the country.

So what were the chances of me living in a host city of a major international sporting event and at the same time jetting off to some Ting Tong land in the north? The Commonwealth games commence in just 16 days and i will miss all of it. Thank goodness though that i am departing a day after the opening ceremony.

My itinerary, well essentially Kuala Lumpur for a day then the next day to Beijing. Will stay at Beijing for a few days then to Tianjin and Chengde. Ironically aside from all the fabulous ancient sites in China, my highlight would be the return trip to Malaysia where i could meet those friends i thought i would not see for at least another 5 years. Oh! and shopping.

Cherio~

Chicken Funghi

Sigh. I am just talented. Had this dish in a restaurant and whipped up the same dish with nothing but my memory of what it looked like and tasted. Voila!

I pray that you'll guide me as i am about to make an important decision.

Mannatech

I recently ordered and commenced taking this product called Mannatech Ambrotose. I am not exactly sure how it works but it enables our cells in our bodies to communicate better through the supplement of the 8 essential sugars our body needs. Once our cells communicate between each other efficiently, it enables the cells to do a better job in everything. I am not going to attempt explaining exactly how it works or what it does exactly because i have forgotten what the person said and i do not wish to give ill information.

Anyhow, i have heard firsthand account on how this product has actually assisted this lady to battle cancer and suppress it. So she got better right, and when she got better she became CHEAPSKATE and ceased taking it. So she went downhill again. However, whenever she took it she got better. The thing i do not grasp is why the yo-yo behavior. It is CANCER man!! So during one of her cycles of taking and not taking, she got bad... because she did not take it... in which she finally succumbed to the disease.

Other testimonies i know firsthand is this person who battled tiredness. A setback that was abruptly dissolved by this product.

Haha and for me?? My face is just positively glowing! I somehow look healthier. Okay perhaps i have been subjected to the placebo effect but i know i have felt the difference.

One puny jar of this exalted powder will do you a damage of $100 Australian dollars. $Ka Ching$

Visit http://www.mannatech.com/

Missing You...

Indifference could possibly be the most fatal of our emotional spectrum. The inability to summon any emotions or empathy, the inability to respond to any entreaty of assistance or compassion.

Because with hate, it still is nevertheless a form of passion. The subject in matter mattered sufficiently to incite hatred in the heart.

We all know the stereotypical premise of all martial art movies. Ie. To avenge a loved one's death, to never sleep untill the perpetrator rots in hell etc. That is hatred, and hatred usually comes with revengeful overtones. We could say the avenger is passionate towards the murderer. Passion is still passion regardless if it was malicious or benevolent.

But indifference, one shall not even bother.

Obviously love is not a subject to be covered here.

Thank You Sigur Ros for your music. I have dwelt in your amorphous dreamlike melody that has helped lifted me during this time.

Transparency

I have always suspected that the remedy to solicit a person's genuine empathy and understanding to your irresponsible actions were to make void all excuses.

However, when placed in the spot, i never did muster my reasoning. I have always just blurted out all excuses and lies head on to justify my actions. Lately though, i have challenged myself otherwise. In fact, i have put my theory to the test. Just a couple of weeks ago i was to attend a girlfriend's 25th birthday at this bar.

I was buggered. In addition i was enjoying my time with another friend and was too lazy to move. Hence i did not call my friend to advice of my absenteeism.

So the following day i endured the anticipated "Inquisition". I decided then and there to come clean. I said sorry and that it was my fault. I did not attach an excuse to the sorry neither did i offer to alleviate my guilt. Usually i would have thrown in a "Oh i finished work late" or the age old "Sorry i'm feeling a lil tired".

I elected to make it short, first apologizing and then the admittance of my mistake and guilt.

The Inquisition ended then and there.

Mariska's return

树

I liken friendship to a tree. The roots representing inception. There are those friends who have always been by your side since our early years. Together they have matured with you as the main branch. Throughout every year, friends materialize and dissipate like the seasons. The most superficial and common acquaintances represented by the twigs and small branches that are furthest from us, the main trunk. Temporal and shortlived as they are. Then there are those close friends who are represented by the small boughs of the main trunk.

However, there are the branches which through some accident or catastrophe were severed off the trunk, perhaps under the saw of a gardener or by one ravaging midnight thunder storm. The bond between the trunk and the branch were not sufficiently steadfast to hold out the wind. This represents friendships that were abruptly ended and destroyed due to disagreement, rivalry, conflict, money, petty friction and all the other ugly faces of friendship. Analogous to a tree that bleeds when a branch is torn, friendships torn apart are usually painful and traumatic.

However there still remain those handful of friends that remain true to us and close to our hearts that stays with us the trunk of the tree. Gracefully maturing into a tree that would live throughout the ages.

Chinese New Year

Cooked for CNY. Crab noodles and asam chilli prawns.

Go ahead, salivate.