My fears were realised this morning.

I got up this morning to find the house empty. Walked over to the kitchen counter to find three slips in red staring back at me. I was shattered.

Here were three slips notifying my of my driving offences. A total of 5 demerit points, and a total of $361 in fine.

Sigh... I do not know how to articulate my feelings through words. I called up a couple of my friends and totally lost it on the phone.

A very close friend of mine is having her birthday tonight, and my good mood is utterly annihilated. I do not understand why i always seem to loose money. It is like i can never attain that bank balance i am aiming for. Something suddenly appears and shits all over my hard work.

I have so many freaking expenses... Not to mention a friend who is here on holiday who just arrived today.

Even my mum was sympathetic to me the message she wrote next to my lunch on her way out.

Then i received a random email from Jimmy. It made me feel better.

I think i will not venture out of my house for a while. Stepping out of the door means the outflow of money.

I wish someone is here with me now.

Feeling down.

Today...

Today i had some urgent thing in the city. So i was driving hastily along the freeway. Cutting into lanes and speeding and tailgating so the slow pokes would just fuck off into another lane.

I do not understand why i am such a different person behind the wheel. I become nasty, cruel and vindictive.

So i was cutting into lanes when i cut into an unmarked police car's. My music was blaring away and i began tailgating a Hyundai in front of me. All this while i was oblivious to the unmarked police car with the lights on pursuing after me. So the police drove to my side and made some hand gestures. Still oblivious, i sneered at him from behind my aviators and stuck up my middle finger nice and clear for him to relish.

Then i saw the blue and red lights.

My heart fell.

I pulled over.

I was given three demerit points.

And i am now in wait of the penalty in my mail.

Which could be up to $300.

I am now waiting for my friend to pick me up to go shopping.

I frequently chat to my dear cousin in London who has just completed her fashion degree, regarding tailoring clothes, 'in' colours, hair styles and what not.
Lately she has been talking about this new trend called the "onii-kei". Until recently, trendy young men with brown dyed hair and tanned skin were a prominent fixture on the streets of Shibuya. They were known as gyaru-o ("gal men") - meaning male versions of the girls with a similar look who dominated Shibuya street fashion a few years ago. But now many of these men have graduated from the gyaru-o look to a new style that has been dubbed onii-kei (literally "elder brother style"). Whereas gyaru-o tend to dress down in surfer attire or casual sports clothing, onii-kei men prefer a slick look characterized by white tailored jackets, low-necked tank tops, imported jeans, and pointed leather shoes.

Onii-kei Essentials:
Onii-kei combines the styles known in Japanese as Ame-kaji ("American casual") and Ita-kaji ("Italian casual") with rocker touches to create a glamorous, sexy look. Onii-kei men are designer label fanatics who complete their outfits with belts, waist pouches, watches, sunglasses, and other accessories from world-famous brands. Also essential to the onii-kei look is the teased shag haircut known as "wolf hair," fastidiously groomed and complemented by scented products.

Charlotte's

Enmity

In the 1996 movie 'A Time To Kill' starring Matthew McConaughey and Sandra Bullock, we recall the key elements that contributed to the contention and premise of the movie. Racism, the KKK, the law, vengeance and (in)justice. I suppose the image of the movie that i have recalled eidetically was the 10 year old black girl who was walking along the dusty path as a truck of bogan white men came up from behind, snatched her, raped her continuously only to slay her and left for trash. The ensuing events hence were the trials that succeeded the killing of the guilty by the father of the girl.

I caught up with an old friend of mine and as the usual protocol goes, we asked each other about what we were up to lately and of course i enquired about my old work place. It was this French Restaurant that i worked at as a waiter many years ago.

According to Brandon, Praveena who was this Indian waitress was serving the head chef his dinner. The head chef known as Nick was seated with the restaurant manager and a friend by the lounge.
So here she came and after putting down the food, Nick yelled at her: "Where the hell is my salt and peppar?"
Keeping quiet she turned and rolled her eyes, only to be attacked viciously.
"Don't you dare roll your eyes at me again or i'll fuck you until you become white!"

I do not know, but i remembered blood rushing to my head.

Aaron Spelling, the person i
was named after passed away
at 83.

Ready, Steady, Cook!

南拳媽媽

Made a forced trip to the gym to revitalise my month old dilapidated body. The past month gave me no allowance to exercise, coupled with the artic cold weather my body has shrunken... I reckond. So yeah, i pushed myself to my previous threshold. Too proud to twitch the notch any lower. God i was rusty.

Releasing the bar with a crash, i walked out feeling almost on the brink of fainting. My eardrums was echoing, i felt dizzy and i felt like throwing up. Made my way into the car, plomped down on the seat and sat there gasping for breath for ten minutes. Finally i revved the engine and tried to get into reverse gear. My hands were so weak and fatigued that i had to use both hands to pull it down, i started getting feverish and was hot all over. I also started making vomiting noises although nothing came out and practically made vomiting noises all the way home in the car. Gosh! I was vehemently steering my wheel all the way back, panged with intolerable pressure in my head.

Stupid exams! Made me like this! Grrrrrr.

I like Nan Quan Mama. It is this really hot Taiwanese band with a russian-sino lead singer chick.
Here is a video for your perusal.
Ta.

There is something really pressing i need to write about... But now is not the correct time. I will reserve this for another day :)

Psychedelic Agony

Lights, smoke, drugs, music.

Shuffling of feet, conversations droned out, gazing around.
Friends distant. Crowd alien. Smoke malodorous.

Pensive, contemplative, convicted and awoken.

WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS PLACE!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
GOD TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE!

Lights, smoke, drugs, music...

Unlike any other day at work, today differentiated itself through our usually routined greetings and farewells.

A colleague of mine recently sent in his resignation to transfer to Queensland, and today would be the last day we would work together.

Wrapping up my task before signing off, i looked for Ram to say goodbye.

"Hey man i'm finished for today, heading off now... So i'll see you sometime soon?"

(Seriously, i knew that i was never going to cross paths again with Ram. I said it to create an illusion that this was yet another routine farewell every other working day.)

"Sure mate."

We shook hands firmly and he looked at me intently for a while. Somehow between that exchance of glances, we both realised... this was it. Through his eyes i could tell that he was making the last few seconds we had to remember this exchange, before i walked out through the door.

I smiled my biggest smile and left.

OMG I ALMOST DIED! COULD NOT BREATH!!! YOU MUST WATCH THIS!!!!!!!!

The death of a student.

A milestone.

I finished my last examination for the rest of my life. I have finally completed university for good.

I made a detour to Chadstone Mall to reward myself after the exams. I had a $54 credit with Myers and i was looking around to see what i could get. So anything i buy i would receive a discount of $54. I was thinking of this $150 cardigan. I hate shopping at departmental stores. The things you get there are so not unique and not a "stand out". Everyone would have the same shit. I ended up not buying anything at all. I will use it to get an Aesop eye serum when i get the time.

Strangely, i picked up my Viola which i have not touched since high school orchestra. The case was all dusty but the wood of my Viola was so fragrant! It has aged gracefully. Well i played a few pieces that i used to perform in my school orchestra. Brought back a ton load of memories.

I just hit me... I am no more a student. An era of my life has ended... 16 years to be precise. I am in transition, and it is not a good mode to be in.

I like this video.

After many trials and error, i have finally mastered my coffee making skills. I have mastered cafe latte art! Fern leaves, love hearts and swirls.

My goody goody hair : )

A glance into the future.

What time is it? He rubbed his eyes and attempted to accomodate the surroundings. Saturday noon in the person's bedroom. Looked to the right and saw the person seated at the table. Intent on a pile of books. It has been a rocky one. But this morning it felt like day one.
He got up slowly and made his way to the study table peering over the person's shoulder to see what the person was up to... exam preparations.

His attention was drawn to the intrusive machinery down on the street from the apartment. From his perch on the tenth floor he could see the shape forming of the proposed park to revitalise the area north of the city.

He proceeded to talk to the person. He poured out his thoughts. He spoke about his concerns, about where they were going, what the future was, the expiry and where they would be exactly one year from now. Silence.

He said that he hoped everything would be going strong one year from this point. Saddened, he then brought up the topic of the person's leaving. How the person will be gone for good at the end of year. He said one year from now, after that park has finished construction he would visit the park and gaze back to the apartment window where they were once having this conversation. By that time, there would not be a trace left of the person. That bedroom window will be vacated, tenured by a new tenant.

The park has been completed. It is 10pm and he is making his way back to the car after a long day at work. He made a detour over the dew soaked grass of winter towards the centre of the park. Looking up, he saw that window. It finally came to pass. One year, and everything he predicted was what it was. Everything has changed since that saturday afternoon. That person... the person has long been gone. The park is ready and he?

He will always be around. The memory of that saturday afternoon etched into his memory forever.

I broke down... finally. I guess i could not hold it in anymore.

You know what? I was hysterical. Something like this happens once a year, and it was today.

I just could not take the pressure anymore. From almost all areas of my life. It seems like all the lifewires are about to snap whipping everything into smithereens as they recoil.

Where to from hitherto?

Felicia says:
i want a very romantic song

Felicia says:
u know what

Felicia says:
i just realise that the only guy that i will ever really really love is Alex (before when we were together) but not now

Felicia says:
so sad

gamble™ says:
something like losing the virginity of love huh?

Felicia says:
yeah

Felicia says:
seriously

gamble™ says:
i know what you mean

Felicia says:
like i lost the passion to do sth really really special for my partner

Felicia says:
who's the person u really loved?

gamble™ says:
i dunno...

gamble™ says:
but i know i could love more

gamble™ says:
that i have not reached my full potential to love someone yet.

Detox

The past week was spent abusing my body. I battered myself with 4-5 hours sleep every night, rushing from place to place, denying my body of food for the whole day only to come crashing down with fast food and rubbish. I worked myself to exhaustion and today is Monday.

I have decided to spent today at home eating nothing but salads and fruit juices. I slept in really late and just mulling around the house doing nothing. I have refrained from eating anything. No i am not health conscious on a diet. Actually i am hoping to pile on the kilos. I just felt i had to do my body a favor.

My voice is almost gone. I spent the whole day singing in my room to Chinese love ballads. LOUD.

Yay tomorrow i am watching X-Men.

Foundations of Sand

And then i forget what real love is.

My concept of that term has been contorted, perhaps through my own experience. I have always assumed the perfect couple were both at an extreme leverage of beauty, that the love they had would be unrivalled by any other.

And then i walk around university and i see the contrast. Couples that are so unbefitting of each other in embrace. They see beyond the aesthetics, down deep down. It rocked my foundations of this school of reasoning. The intrusion of this observation imposed on me a paradigm shift in this matter.

How i got superficial is something i am still trying to investigate.

They are happy. That is what that matters.

Utter luck. Stumbled across an American Indian who was making hand made mocassins on the spot.

Saw this beauty and grabbed it ASAP!

I got a new job today. I thought i would be over the moon but somehow i feel indifferent.

Tomorrow will be my induction into Roy Morgan, an international research and statistics company on Collins St.

Next up, find accomodation in the city.

Check this out.

I feel sorrowful. It is Mother's Day and i was cruel to my mum. I shouted at her, i shouted at her when she was trying to be caring. What is wrong with me!

Getting connected.

That crucial second when you translate everything and see the big picture. That enlightenment just hit me. I have digested all the words and actions for true sincerity. When it suddenly occurred that i have been instrumental in advancing your social network.

A Social Pedestal is what i call it. I was your social pedestal.

But it is okay for me. I feel sorry for you as well. Bless ya!

Two highly anticipated movies:

The Banquet

The Promise

Farsi, the Iranian tongue has a term to describe empty offers or invitations. That word is taraf.

I am drowning in a pool of taraf. Vacant offers of help and assistance that were used as a front of politeness and etiquette. Fumble any deeper and you would realise it was a wading pool. A pool as shallow as potholes after a rain.

Sharp acumen is required to sift through the real gestures of assistance and those that dissipates in a second.

"Call me anytime." (taraf)
"If you need a space i'm there." (yeah right! taraf!!!)
:(

Pioneers of their own.

It is our innate human tendency to subscribe to a certain formula, trend and pattern to grasp a situation. We tend to draw similarities from people we know. We try to assimilate our situation and to get an understanding of our lives and others. So we would roam aimlessly, trying to find that trend in someone else's life to fit ours perfectly in order to speculate on our fortune and outcome in the future.

And then we forget that everyone has different lives. One's journey cannot be prescripted as an answer to another. No one takes the same route. What works for someone may have an adverse effect on ours. Decisions that deem a success for someone may not have the same reassuring effect for us. Life is not stencilised as we would hope it to be. No, we cannot affix a formula to get what we desire.

It is freehand drawing. Every etch on the paper determines the next. To boldly draw a line would be reckless. Do not loose the image in our minds. Hold on to it and it will come to life on the paper.

Do not loose the picture of what you want to be. Then decide on the etches. Do not draw formulas and trends from someone else's journey, draw inspiration.

Getting on with life.

Because circumstances has called for it i am forced to take this course of action. It is a drastic change and on everyone's part, unexpected.

I have begun looking at apartments in the city and i am extremely fortunate to have landed a housemate who is mature and stable. An added bonus is that this housemate is a friend of mine. It is tough. So many things to juggle with a constricted amount of time to establish myself.

And i thought this year would be a smooth ride.

I guess my plans for the Thailand trip will be suspended as of now. I have to find my standing. Unlike my oversea counterparts, i am not granted the luxury of my account being spoonfed credit from their kin. It is going to be a solitary track.

Moving on.

Zenith

You left your scent on me.

So i took a taxi to work today. It did a damage of $30 and it was a pain. My brother took my car out and did not come back in time. I was boiling.

So i called up the taxi service and told them my address. 10 minutes passed and yet no sight of the damn yellow falcons. I called them up again, trying to suppress my intense vexation and ire. I said calmly my address one more time. They put me on hold for 10 minutes on my mobile. I hung up.

Scurriedly put on my shoes and ran out to the streets when i saw the yellow taxi drove past my street. I fumed.

Called the taxi line again and shouted: "Oh my God! the taxi drove past my house! It is MULBRY, not MOWBRAY which is further down the damn road." She said "hold on" and was brusquely replaced by music. I hung up.

About to hit the call button again when i caught the taxi creeping up incredulously annoying and slow towards my direction in the distance. Hailed like a madman. Stormed into the car, looked at my street name post, pointed and screamed unrestrained "ARE YOU STUPID??? CAN YOU NOT EVEN SEE THAT SIGN? I AM FUCKING LATE FOR WORK! COME ON MAN! DRIVE!!! TO CHADSTONE!" The Arab guy started swearing at me but i was too flustered to attend to his unhappiness. I was worried sick not to be late for work. But i was.

Midway to work i called my brother's mobile to give him a piece of me. Unreachable.

Fortunately i apologized at the end of the taxi trip.
Still angry though.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Autumn in my backyard.

The Ball

Venom

I have great respect for those who know boundaries and adheres to it. I have an even greater and profound respect for those who chooses not to exploit the vulnerability of someone when their secrets, demons and weaknesses are laid at the feet exposed.

Rather than enterprising from their vulnerabilities, they shrug it off saying that it is not any of their concern and that they are entitled to their privacy. Sadly to say there is but a minority of those who i could respect in this sense.

How many of us would lunge forward to devour the juice of someone's misfortunes and secrets? How many of us possess any sense of propriety and self respect when it comes to the image and dignity of another?

So often we revel in the destruction of others. To see them struggle in their waste and predicament. The will to abstain from noxious gossip and speculation is almost impossible to muster.
Hmm.

I have low tolerance for rubbish. I can not be in the vicinity of company that are so full of shit only mindless unintelligent remarks spew from their rubbish mentality. Rubbish comments does not embarrass you, it embarrasses the people around you. Rubbish is obligated to be purged. Time is due to fucking grow up and get with the program because everyone has. Period.

I dig complimenting girls. I love to flatter them with praises and compliments and then see them go all bimbo.
It is amazing how easily these bimbettes get flattered. It is comical and hilarious.

So i would be, "Hey your looking real hot tonight. What's up??"
and then they gush: "Really??? THANK YOU!!!"
Or i would say, "Those shoes are really sexy. Your really pretty... MAN!!! your just gorgeous tonight!"

Okay, i shall not venture into describing how a girl would respond to such flattery. Bimbo, just bimbo.

Haha (Of course there are times when i can be downright sincere and honest... You never know eh?)

You know what wawa is?

St. Kilda

a) My mouth is consistently parched no matter how much water i drink.
b) My nasal passage is so clear i could hit a note an octave above my range.
c) I find myself smiling to myself for no apparent reason.
d) I drift in and out of sleep during sleep.
e) My jaws are sore due to my subconscious clenching of teeth.
f) My lips are bleeding due to my voracious appetite to suck an object.
g) My skin and face feels detoxified, clean and amazingly fresh.

Only veterans would know.

Career and stuff.

Considering the fact that this semester is my final, i have been consumed with the fresh-graduates syndrome. You know, the disheartening apprehension if you will be employed and the prospects of getting a decent job. I recalled the last time i was consumed with this feeling. It was during my last year of secondary school where i worked my ass off. My mind was literally riveted with the thought of not securing a high enough ENTER score to get into the course and university i wanted. Whenever i put my pen down for a pause to rest from my studies, i would be harassed by images of me pushing supermarket trolleys on the streets and becoming a bogan* flicking bogey at flies on the wall. I was distraught. SCARED! So instantaneously i get this fresh boost of energy to work my ass off for another 5 hours before i call it a day.

What a life!

But my work paid off. I got 94.3 for my ENTER. Yes it is humble in comparison to those other Asian nerds who whinge about getting 99.999995 or something. Idiots.

Back to what i am trying to say.

So the last time i was tormented by this nerve-racking feeling, i turned out okay. This time round i hope i still carry the luck aura haha. Something like Warcraft 3... you know! the auras the hero emanates.

You see, right this instance i am midway in completing an extensive, mentally taxing and torturous graduate application with this organisation. I am flat out! Tomorrow is the cut off date for a great many companies and i have only covered a few. (I have begun to suspect this blog entry was to serve as a vent for my frustration. Hmm)

So it is my utmost desire and hope that things would turn out well as it had the last time.

The weekend is going to be mad!

Kill me. The only constant in my life are changes. I am denied adequate time to digest and catch up with this pace. I am tired beyond words. Fatigued!

Good times.

I love my new shoes.

Foreigners in Hibernation.

Well superficially we all seem to converse and dialogue decently enough. Individuals from constrasting extremities in upbringing who are able to hold mundane conversations.

What i mean is that we interact with people everyday. People we have known for a long time or some that has just signed in to our lives in the past day or two.

So here we are talking. Uttering about every subject under the sun and then we enthuse about the feeling that we have every single thing in common and that our minds are alike.

But have you ever recalled an incident where a great conversation went ugly with something so paltry, a topic so ordinary yet powerful enough to disfigure the mood. Suddenly we come across this person who we thought of us our kin as someone so alien. Suddenly our thoughts are enstranged from each other. Suddenly they come under a different light.

We ask ourselves how on earth did this person got so close to us. What was it that drew us together initially? Because at this instance they amount to nothing but foreign.

There is so much that we do not know in the deep recesses of one's thoughts. Beware!

Friends today, strangers the next.

Plenty of things has occured during the past two weeks. So many that i find it a challenge to pen and articulate my thoughts.

There is just so many things to look forward to, yet so many things that restricts the dimension of my happiness internally. Hmm.

So this time i am dumbfounded.

Grrrrrrr...

In Transition

My Summer loving friends have always questioned me my favourite season. In my first few years in Melbourne i have always answered with Winter. This reply solicits remarks that usually ridicules my preference. And in response, i would even describe my perfect day. A cold cold Winter evening, overcast, gentle breeze, the last shreds of Autumn leaves to be seen on the streets and strolling on Russel St. with someone you love. Hmm.

Winter is encroaching. This time round however, there has been a slight shift in paradigm. My inclination over the years has evolved. I have grown to love Spring and the warmer weather. Because right now i am alluded to the ugly faces of Winter. The dreary, bleak and miserable weather, the cold that attacks your fingers and toes, loneliness, a cold bed, ughhh. Apart from my perfect day, everything else is dismal.

Ironically i am still looking forward for Winter. I miss those walks in the city tugging uselessly at your jacket to keep out the cold and the feeling of contemplation that tends to overwhelm you when you are out alone waiting to meet someone or even a trip to 7-11.

I love Winter.

Photos

I took around 1000 photos so the ones i have uploaded has been filtered through quite a little. Back in Melbourne and i have to deal with bills, my university work which is behind, and alot of other mundane but important things that i really have no heart to face. So i am more or less home alone for the next two weeks and it is strange. To be around people all the time during my time away and the sudden silence. Do not like it.

To tell you the truth, China did not make an impression for me. It has a long long way to go to beautify and modernise itself for the Olympics in 2008. The people were great however. My mind is a little dead so i will not write much. Just some photos to share.

Coffee Bean at Sungai Wang

On the way to Zouk Kuala Lumpur.

Last night in KL with Rina and Pei Lin at Luna Bar

Sean, my only friend in Beijing. Showed me around the night life.

Tiananmen Square.

The Forbidden City

The marble disc i am standing on has been stood on by 24 emperors of the past. It was the centre of the ceremonies held in the Temple of Heaven complex.

Little Potala Palace replica. Just a big and grandiose as the one in Tibet.

A sight fast disappearing in Beijing.

Frozen in ChengDe (third city visited).

The Ming Tombs.

Preparing to scale the Great Wall.

For those who frequent the bitchy BryanBoy's website you will recall this photo of him in his Beijing post. www.bryanboy.com

The highest point in Badaling area of Great Wall. Hardly anyone made it up there so i managed to take a photo without anyone in the background.

Pandas!